The ability to believe in god astonishes me..longish?

throughout most of my life i had been an agnostic never really putting much faith into anything but have always been comforted by the idea that hey theres got to be something out there but how can any of these books and faiths contain the complete will of god, and even if one could do that ive always felt that over the years many religions original goals and meanings have become perverted. up until recently i was completely content with this belief, but very recently something has made me start to struggle with the realization that i might actually be an atheist. i don't know specifically what caused this revelation, but i know that the more i dwell on it the more viable it becomes. ive actually almost completely accepted the lack of a god or a hereafter completely, and coming to this belief ive found that its much harder to handle than i would have thought before it was an entertainable idea in my head. its just like the more i think about it the more i seem to come to the conclusion that maybe we werent an accident but maybe we were and maybe there is no all knowing, all seeing, all powerful creator that drafted us in his image and maybe when we die thats just it, we die. and the more i think about mortality the more securely the belief becomes implanted in my brain, nothing we do when were alive matters since there is no afterlife in which we can be punished, spiritually were on our own and the idea of a higher power is only to keep us performing socially acceptable actions. and also the more i ponder this the more ludicrous the idea of believing in a god, who has never been proven or even hinted at by the millions of years this earth has been around. with this question i mean to convey no disrespect but only too get an unemotional, level headed answer from someone who does have the capability to believe.