Rate my rock lyrics i wrote please?

While it's true that the lyrics are the most important part of the song, the music & melody line (singing) are most definately NOT just- "strictly for atmosphere". The "hook" of a song-usually the vocal line during the chorus, is usually what makes a song catchy/memorable. A LOT of work have to go into the structure of the music/melody part of a song to make it count. Sometimes this might even call for a slight (or moderate) reworking of the lyrics. A whole book could be (and many have been) written about the subject of songwriting/structure. Now...down to the lyrics themselves, it looks as though you have a good grasp (especially at your age) of the basic mechanics of songwriting. ( You might want to think about a bridge). Now...here are some SUGGESTIONS, that, again, are made without hearing your music/song structure/melody line. 1st verse- 1).You might want to strike the "i'm" from the beginning of the third line 2).As the 1st verse closes, are you saying that it's your self-pity or your situation that "needs to be taken seriously" thats unclear. The last three lines of verse 1 could be re-worked slightly without losing any strength/power. As far as the chorus goes...what is being "immolated"? (burned up), you, your situation, your self-pity? That's a little unclear. The 2nd verse-"wrong time & certainly wrong place" seems to lose the rhythm of the previous lyrics (as iI hear them in my head anyway). Maybe just "wrong time- wrong place" might work. And then the last line of verse 2, "forgotten up and over this day" might need rewording...I don't know. Look, I know it hurts like H@##, to have something you bore out of your heart, soul and mind to be picked apart, but thats what we as songwriters have to do. Be merciless. Be critical. You certainly avoid the thing that I hate the most which is triteness. "I'm so blue-cause I can't have you" type stuff. Look. You've got something here, just don't be too afraid, or too proud to take a scalpel to it to make it better. And JUST KEEP WRITING SONGS. YOUVE GOT THE DESIRE, YOUVE GOT THE TALENT. But like any talent it needs to be honed and refined. DO NOT GIVE UP. I look foward to hearing your music on the radio in the future. Good luck...JRH